Introverts - Nature or Nurture?
“Extroverts sparkle, introverts glow. If you appreciate your own quiet glow, other people will see it too.”
I’ve been sharing my thoughts on introversion in several podcasts, the latest being my guest appearances on Earrings Off!, Multi-Dimensional IN·tel·li·gence and Success InSight which you can find on my media page. As I have been appearing on more podcasts, all of my 3 children have been telling me lately that I’ve “turned” extroverted! Have I really? The answer is no as after I’ve done a recording, I need a lot of down time by myself to recharge and renew my energy. I do these podcast appearances because I believe my story and encouragement to others that being an introvert doesn’t mean you lose out in life to extroverts. As one of my favourite authors on this topic, Susan Cain, has said, “It’s is a kind of yin and yang where were we learn to value both types equally … I think we need to see more the value of both and really have each work learning to work together well because we actually know from research that the best teams and the best partnerships are a mix of the two.” Being an introvert shouldn’t stop you from collaborating with extroverts because there are always ways to complement each other. Some of my closest friends are extroverts and they embolden me to venture out and do things I would never do on my own!
Given that I’ve been thinking a lot about introversion lately due to my discussions with my children, also starting my new consultancy role and making new connections as well as the podcasts I’ve been appearing on, I was looking for videos done by Susan Cain for insight and inspiration.
I found this old video from 2012 where she was interviewed on Bloomberg Law to promote her book, Quiet - The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking.
Here are excerpts from the video which will give you a better understanding of introversion:
00:45: You know I wrote it because I wanted to shine a light on a cultural bias that I think we have in the society against introverts and I think that our view of introverts right now is kind of like where we were with women in the early 1950s, early 1960s. Introverts are, believe it or not 50% of the population, so 50% according to the latest study.
01:53: When I was younger, I remember taking the Myers Briggs personality test, like so many of us did and I remember when I did that, I wanted so desperately though to be identified as an extroverted, but I couldn't for the life of me figure out why, and are we somehow conditioned to believe that being an extrovert is the best possible outcome?
02:12: The interesting thing about this particular bias and conditioning is that until recently it's never actually had a name, so it's been a very powerful bias, but also a subtle one because no one actually says to you, you should be more of an extrovert, you know, that doesn't happen that often. And yet most kids from the minute they walk into a preschool classroom when they're two or three or four, they're sent that message in very powerful ways, so not in so many words, but nonetheless powerful, you know, there's just the idea that they get that they should be gregarious, that they should enjoy participating in group activities. They move up through the educational system and so much of our education is now conducted in groups. Even socially there's such a currency that's placed on being vivacious and gregarious. So, kids get the idea really early that that is the ticket to success and they don't so much see other paths.
04:15: The difference between an introvert and extrovert, it has to do with how you respond to stimulation. So, introverts tend to be at their most alive and their most energized when they're in environments that are a little quieter Extroverts really crave stimulation and you know, they feel kind of bored and listless unless they're getting a lot of it coming at them. And what's so important about this is we tend to think of introverts as being anti-social or shy. It's really not that. It's just that they have this preference for socializing also in quieter ways. So, they would much rather usually, you know have a glass of wine with a close friend as opposed to going out to a big party full of strangers because it's a less stimulating way of connecting with people.
06:33: In fact, there's one study that suggests that more than 50% of lawyers are introverts. which to me as a former lawyer is actually not at all surprising really. You have to actually get the work done as a lawyer. There's a lot about legal work that is really conducive to introverts, way of being, you know, you have to be really persistent, you have to be really careful, you have to be thoughtful, you have to sit down and focus and even in negotiations you have to often be kind of more understated and really listening really carefully to what's going on so that you can figure out a way to strategize a deal.
10:06: Is that nature, is it nurture? So, Kagan, he's a guy named Joe Kagan, he's a developmental psychologists at Harvard, one of the great psychologist of the 20th century. He kind of set out to study temperament and when he started was convinced that he was sort of on the nurture side of the debate, right? But he says that he was dragged kicking and screaming by his data to understand the importance of biology and genetics in temperament. It turns out that there are some babies who are born with temperaments that make them more careful, more sensitive and more likely to become introverts later on in life, and these babies, they're more reactive to stimulation. That's why they're called high reactive, and you can see it from the minutes that they're born.
11:24: 70% of highly sensitive people are introverts and then the other 30% are extroverts who still say that they need a lot of downtime. So there does seem to be a big connection and then there's some introverts who become that way, you know through other probably other biological mechanisms and also through nurture, you know this stuff is a little bit murky.
14:02: The biggest, most general thought is to really start to understand your powers and to feel entitled to be who you are. The more you do that, the more you start kind of carving out a career and a social life that actually suit your temperament and you know you kind of learn how to step outside yourself when you need to, but really more or less be living in a place that feels natural for you.
My takeaways from the video are:
Introverts are not better than extroverts and vice versa. It’s about creating awareness and respecting each other’s uniqueness and with that understanding, working together successfully at the work place and in our relationships.
Introverts are not shy people. It’s how they respond to stimulation and I would also put it as where we draw our energy from. I draw my energy from introspection and time by myself whereas an extrovert will draw his/her energy from engaging with other people.
Whether we are introverts by nature or through life experiences (nurture), it doesn’t matter. The main thing is to continue to learn, understand and use your unique strengths.
If you are facing challenges being your authentic introverted self in the workplace or on the personal front, please reach out to me to discover what coaching can do for you.
Who Needs a Coach?
I was delighted to chance upon this image on Pinterest the other day. It was so apt for me given my earlier career as a court attorney and now as a life coach. Jokes aside, there is some truth in the cartoon. At some point in our lives, when we feel lost and uncertain of our way, having a coach to take this life’s journey with you is definitely beneficial! So, who needs a coach? My simple answer is everyone!
I attended a meeting with fellow coaches several weeks ago and we were discussing the need for coaching especially during this period when we are all experiencing stress and uncertainties in life. Mental health issues have increased due to the Covid-19 pandemic. Our entire reality as we used to know it has been turned topsy-turvy. We also discussed the importance of recognising when our clients require counselling and therapy in addition to coaching and how to bring this up when we see this need in a coaching session. My view is that counselling and therapy helps the individual recover and heal from an emotional pain and trauma whereas coaching supports the person get from a good place to a better place, both personally and professionally.
For a deeper dive into the differences between coaching, counselling, mentoring and consulting, please click on my Coaching 101 page.
People choose coaching because they are ready to accelerate their personal or professional lives and work with a professional who will enable them to achieve their goals faster, easier and with better results than they could on their own. A coach will facilitate your self-discovery, the identification of your goals and the prioritization of those goals. Your coach will help you create your action plan as well as prepare for and overcome any challenges you encounter along the way. Your coach will hold you accountable for taking consistent action toward the realization of your goals.
Accountability is one of the greatest payoffs of coaching. It is so powerful because it can make all the difference in terms of you being a “Goal Achiever” instead of just a “Goal Setter” and someone who walks the walk instead of just talking the talk.
Think of your coach as your success partner, whose reason for being is to help you get what you want quicker, easier and with better results than you could on your own.
In a coaching session, your coach encourages you to slow down and reflect deeply on your thoughts, emotions, beliefs and values. It is as though a mirror is held up before you where you can see and appreciate your true self. Your coach recognises and celebrates your authenticity!
“A life coach does for the rest of your life what a personal trainer does for your health and fitness.”
Photo by Victor Freitas on Unsplash
What is holding you back from engaging a coach to support you in your life goals?
Here are three common themes that I’ve encountered in my conversations with people on the need for coaching in their lives:
“I’m fine. I don’t need a coach.”
I get that a lot when I speak to people here in Asia. There is a misconception that coaching is the same as counselling. They are concerned that if they engage a coach, it’s seen as a stigma. They think it’s a sign of weakness, that there is something wrong with them. The truth is that when people embark on a coaching journey, it’s not to fix something that is wrong. It’s when you realise that you want to get better results, achieve your goals effectively and reach your highest potential in life with clarity, focus, determination and commitment. A coach is your accountability partner to help you stay on course.
“I can’t afford a coach.”
Is this really true?
The truth is that you can’t afford not to have one. Coaches are highly in demand these days because coaching has proven itself to be an extremely effective method for facilitating personal and professional development and fulfilment.
The word is out everywhere, it’s in the media, it’s in corporations and it’s in the community. The word is out that coaching makes sense and it really works. In studies that have been done on the impact of coaching, the results have consistently shown a return on investment of more than 100%.
Coaching clients from all walks and areas of life consistently report that it is the best money they ever spent because their investment in an ongoing coaching partnership enables them to achieve their goals. What’s even better is coaching enables them to achieve their goals quicker, easier and with better results.
Now think about that for a moment. Think about what that means for you. Anything you want is available to you quicker, easier and with better results through the vehicle of coaching.
“I don’t have time for coaching”
You may think, “I can wait. Now is not a good time.” Is there ever a “good” time? Are you waiting for the “right” time to make a change or go after the things you really want in life? We are all busy. All of us have 24 hours each day, no more and no less. It’s about knowing your priorities and making time for them. We often make time for others, especially those who depend on us. However, if we don’t make time to take care and invest in ourselves, how can we be there to support and help others.
Stop thinking that there is a right time for coaching. Don’t wait until it is too late. Don’t wait until the “pain” in your life becomes unbearable before you take this proactive step to have a more fulfilling, peaceful and joyful life.
Working with a coach on an ongoing basis is the most time and cost-effective investment you can make in yourself and your quality of life.
What is holding you back from starting your coaching journey? Are you thinking of these same reasons too?
Let’s have a conversation about it!
Click here to book an appointment for a complimentary 30-minutes discovery call with me.
“The only person who is truly holding you back is you. No more excuses. It’s time to change.
It’s time to live life at a new level.”
-Tony Robbins, American author, trainer and speaker
Christmas 2020
What are your feelings about Christmas this year? Are you excited and hopeful as you will finally be able to meet your family members whom you have not seen since March this year? Are you feeling overwhelmed with your Christmas to-do list? Are you exhausted from the toil of this year and just want to stay in bed for the rest of Dec? Are you feeling lonely? Has Christmas lost its significance to you?
For me, as I am a Christian, Christmas is significant because it reminds me of the birth of baby Jesus Christ on earth. That fact hasn’t changed for me this year. However, as with all of you, Christmas this year is different in several ways.
Reinventing family traditions
My family and I will not be physically celebrating Christmas in church this year. For the first time, Christmas morning will be spent at home, watching the live streaming of our church’s Christmas service. I know many of you will be doing the same as well given that a lot of countries are still under lockdown during this holiday season. I miss going to church and the fellowship with other church members there. I am grateful though that the pastoral team together with the church committee members and volunteers have gone to great lengths to ensure that Christmas is really brought into our homes this year. The important thing is that we are still together as a family this Christmas.
What is your reinvention of your family tradition this Christmas?
New ways of celebrating Christmas
My children have surprised me by not doing their Christmas wish list. They have never been materialistic but they have always requested for a small gift or two during past Christmases. However, for this year, my girls didn’t request for presents but for my time to bake cakes and cookies with them. They wanted my full attention for them during this Christmas season. I guess seeing me work from home all these months, being physically present and mentally absent, has struck a chord in them. Although my teenage son didn’t verbally express the same sentiments, he was more than willing to join in the baking fun which was a pleasant surprise! On most days, he would prefer to spend time on the phone, chatting with his friends. My husband’s request for Christmas is for all of us to relax together as a family by watching a movie of his choice in the comforts of our home. We’re all looking forward to a no-frills Christmas but one hopefully that will draw us closer together as a family. So, no presents but lots of quality time together!
What has changed for the better for you this Christmas?
Leaving old traditions behind
I didn’t put up our tree this year. Normally, I will have the kids work together to put the tree up. Somehow, this year, we all didn’t want the tree up. I don’t know if it’s because we were all too busy with our respective schedules or that we felt that putting up the tree was too much work. Maybe we are just fatigued by all the uncertainties and challenges this year and have realised that tree or no tree, it doesn’t change the meaning of Christmas for us. Perhaps, we will bring this tradition back into our home next year but for now, we seem to be fine without it.
What traditions are you leaving behind this Christmas?
What are your reflections this Christmas and as 2020 draws to a close? My three main reflections are:
Be grateful for the big and small blessings daily
“Don’t sweat the small stuff…and it’s all small stuff!” - Richard Carlson, American author
Keep looking for the gifts during adversity
I wish you and your families a blessed Christmas, one that is filled with joy, hope and peace and that you will be recharged and refreshed to embrace the new year with optimism, direction and purpose.
Remember to book your complimentary 30-minutes coaching session here. This is my Christmas gift to each of you for an extended period until 30 January 2021. God bless you!
Grand Opening!
River Life Coaching is now open for business!
I’m so excited to let all of you know that River Life Coaching is now open for business. This business idea of providing life coaching services to individuals who are seeking to find answers to align their lives with their values and to live purposeful lives first came to me when I was going through a crossroad in my life.
Photo by Nathan Anderson on Unsplash
Taking a risk!
I reached a point in my legal career where things were easy for me. Yes, there were stressful times as part of the job but there was never anything that I could not handle. You could say it was smooth sailing for me and perhaps, even complacency and boredom. I started asking myself, “Is there more to my life than this? What is my purpose? How do I live my life impactfully?”
I started thinking about my own strengths as a person. I’ve always been a good listener. My family members and friends have often come to me for my listening ear, support and encouragement. They knew that I would give them my honest opinion without any judgment. They felt safe with me. I always felt happy and fulfilled when I helped them see things from a different perspective or discover their own solutions to their challenges.
It was definitely not an easy choice to make, taking this leap of faith to train as a professional coach and to start this business. There were fears, worries and anxiety resulting from stepping out of my comfort zone. So, how did I stay the course?
FOCUS!
Photo by Paul Skorupskas on Unsplash
I told myself to stay focused on my goal to start and build this coaching business. I also explored the “why” of my desire to start this business. It all stems from my desire to be a guiding light to those who seek fulfilment and purpose in their lives. This conviction is from my own personal walk of faith with God. I realised that by serving others in this regard, this is what makes my own life purposeful and impactful.
I would love to help you find your focus and your vision for your impactful life!
Special invitation…
For those who sign up for my newsletter in the month of April, you will receive a special 20% discount if you sign up and pay for any of my coaching programs this month. If you recommend my coaching programs to anyone else, you will receive a further 10% discount provided that he/she also signs up for any of my programs within this month. This special invitation will expire on 30 April 2020. Sign up now!